My Relationship Vortex- Beam me up Scottie

The relationship vortex is where I am living these days. The funny thing is I am not in a relationship with the opposite sex. Every other time I have visited this at times consuming place I have been in a relationship. Maybe you know this place and have been sucked in? You know its where you are completely consumed by the opposite sex wondering why, how, what, who and when. Generally this is all pertaining to a particular individual. But this time I am alone. ALONE. I look around and there is no companion. No rainbows and butterflies. No skipping to the eternal love soundtrack. There is a part of me that wants to yell "beam me up Scottie" I am done living here. But unfortunately for me I get to examine this vortex instead. God wants me to stay here so this vortex feels more like a sad saga most days. (hear violins playing sullen music).


Let me explain. I am trying to uncover the good, bad and ugly of my relationships. Each of us construct what a relationship with the opposite sex looks like from a young age. It usually looks like something between a cross of a disney princess fairy tale and our parents marriage at about ten. But then life happens and well, we don't stay in that place. Relationships around us fall apart. We experience dating on our own. Some of our expectations change. We change. This is my problem. I experienced dating on my own and it looked more like a fun mirror chamber where I look at the relationship and it is fat on the top skinny on the bottom but then the next mirror is the opposite. Yikes.


There is a part of me that is grieving that I have to walk into essentially premarital sessions alone with nothing but me and my bible. Why did I have to experience the distortion I did? What weird person does premarital stuff alone? (Okay so Jesus is there). But it is not something I anticipated doing. Sometimes I am a cry baby. That part of me is screaming "BEAM ME UP!!!" Part of me is ecstatic because I have like hourly ah ha moments and it can be overwhelming. So I am curious. God is not letting me sit stagnant with this one.


God, does NOT want me to stay there. He says "Erin, let me show you what relationship really looks like." In order to get there though I have to go through the field and pull out the weeds. I look around and say "AHHHHHHH I have so many weeds in this place!" My reaction is "God you are the God of the universe, you could just drop me in a new garden where there aren't so many weeds." Ha! That isn't going to happen.  So the last couple weeks He has been the master gardener. I think it started with the phone number change and really being able to recognize the problem of holding on to the shards of that past relationship. I straddled the fence for a while thinking that I could white knuckle it and create change. Ha! That is a funny thought. Anything I am in control of without God never ever goes well. Then He brought in some people that would challenge my perceptions. It begins with you girls, Mel is using my old phone as a paper weight so I can't give in to temptation, and getting to share my heart and get to know you. Which transitions to my mentors/counselors and then ends with a boy.


Yes, I said it. With a BOY. This boy is an interesting boy. (well, he is a man-you know what I mean). (I know what you are thinking-- Do you like him???? With a squeal. Umm... Not sure yet to answer your question. One thing I have learned with my past is rushing and letting feelings dictate is never wise. Attraction is there, yes. Potential, possibly. But God is ultimately the one that gets to turn the light green on both sides. Right now it is yellow ladies. (So no freak outs okay?) Like be friends, get to know each other but DO not jump in without looking first. We both have to heal from some big stuff first.) Back to my point- this boy is interesting because he challenges all prior understanding of men. Especially christian men. Is he perfect? Far from it. Does he try to appear to be? Nope. Is he growing? Yes. Can he talk about his feelings towards things that have happened in his life? Yup. Is he willing to admit when he doesn't know something? Uh huh. Does he love God? Oh yes. But what intrigues me the most is the way he encourages me. He is not encouraging me in a worldly way, but instead in a Godly way. Sometimes I know that the words or scripture he gives me is God breathed. He reminds me of my intrinsic value. Odd, usually with a man I am experiencing the opposite. Believe me I have been waving my white flag yelling "God don't let a boy challenge my heart." Beam me up Scottie.


So not only is God working on me, He is rooting out some of my big issues. I am letting a guy into my life but in a different way. As a friend first. As a person who gets to see the not so great parts of me but has to win my trust like everyone else. Will he disappoint me someday. Yes, he is human. Not superman. Could he walk away? Yes, he could. But that right there is an indication of my growth. I used to worship men and look to them to solve all my problems. Those days are over. I am not looking back to the place of worshiping them. And I also could cling to him to solve all my problems and tell him all the reasons why he needs me or should stay. This time I say: NO WAY. But I also don't treat him with contempt for his past mistakes and issues. That isn't fair. Ladies, we need to be able to realize that the men in our lives struggle just like we do. They have pasts, fears, insecurities, lies and ego's to fight. Good gracious. Can we be gentle and loving as Christ calls us and care for our brothers in Christ without condemning for the mistakes of others? Believe me, this has been a hard one. But God is working on me. He is not going to let me escape this one.


So life in the vortex looks something like Matthew 13:24-30 ²⁴Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. ²⁵But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. ²⁶When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

 ²⁷"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'

 ²⁸" 'An enemy did this,' he replied.
      "The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'

 ²⁹" 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. ³⁰Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' "

Walk with me for a second. Yes this is about when Christ returns. But for me it has a little different meaning at this point of my life. A great friend of mine texted me and told me that this is where they feel I am at. Remember the weeds? Well this is why it speaks to my heart. The enemy came into my heart and planted weeds to infest the pieces of my heart and distort my perceptions of relationship. God is bringing in the harvest now. Sorting out the weeds from the wheat and getting ready to burn the lies I carry about past relationships to the ground. Sweet huh??? Yes, this is where my heart is. It is being sorted right now. Harvested. 

The best part is I get to do it with amazing women like you :) So for now I will resist the urge to say "Beam me up." Cause who knows, maybe one day it will help you!

First Steps

This week has been up and down. A dream that God has placed on my heart is becoming more of a reality. At first I was so excited but still had no idea of what might happen and when. After the reality of my dream becoming a possibilty sooner than later began to sink in, I began doubting. How will God provide? What will my family think? When? Am I even qualified? The questions just kept coming. I feel like this was Satan just trying to squash my hopes. So, I took the first step... I asked for an e-mail address. As simple as that may sound, it was the next thing I had to do. I had to step out in faith that God is at work, and I have to be obedient. I would appreciate your prayers as I am figuring out what God is up to. :) Love you girls!

 

Joy

Driving home on a busy street I came to a stop light. windows down, music blaring, sun on my face I looked forward lost in thought. As I socked in the beauty of the day I head from the car next to me the most joyful little voice.

"HI!" The little voice shouted from the window of the blue SUV now parked next me hand waving back and forth as fast as he could.

"Hi" I said back with a huge smile, and excited voice, (not nearly as excited as his) and a wave.

"SHE WAVED!!!" The little boy shouted to his mother in the front seat of the car as they pulled forward.

I instantly remembered playing "sweet and sour" the game where when you waved at someone they were either sweet and waved back or sour and didn't. Waving back I placed my heart in a place of sweetness. Embracing the joy and beauty of the day and excepting the gift of joy from a perfect stranger. I'd given him a gift with a smile. Taking notice of the world that surrounds me and allowing the little gifts of tiny angels bless me helps me to stay out of hiding. The hard part isn't over but it feels like a time to go for a walk, swing on the swings at the park, stop and smell the roses, and be open to the life that surrounds me. The life I was hiding from when I embraced the death and decay of my place of hiding. I Embrace life and shared a smile with a stranger :)