Hiding

when I was finally old enough to be part of the middle school group at my church i was so excited for lock ins. we would all get together and not sleep from 8 to 8 and we would have fun, play games and eat food. The church was huge and full of amazing hiding places... for hide and go seek of course. I've always been so small i fit in the smallest little places and i remember my first lock in experience i hid behind a plant in the sanctuary lining the steps of the stage. I was so excited i knew it was perfect and no one would find me here. Funny thing about playing at 5 am is your so tired and sitting so still for so long i fell asleep. I woke up to the now dark sanctuary and stood up... how long had i been asleep? why didn't anyone wake me up? i wondered back into the community room where all my friends were eating pizza and drinking loads of caffeine filled Mountain Dew. When the door opened every one passed to look and see what was going on... the youth leader said, "Oh yeah we never found Melanie." not only had i not been found in my perfect hiding spot, I'd been forgotten. In a lot of ways that little girl never came out of hiding. I learned how to wall myself in and hide away from the world. You stop realizing you're alone and every second you know you're alone. I learned to trust no one and once someone got too close to finding me I would retreat, run away or push away. soon the walls were so high and my expectation was for people to climb them only for the sick joke that i could push them off when they got to the top. God said, "no more." He invaded my space first but seeing i needed some help allowing others in He took it upon himself and sent someone in. He and i both hide behind the same wall. thinking there was no one there, no one who could understand what i was going through, i turned around and found a boy sitting in my living room. He could see me. he could read my life aloud to me like i was an open book. he pointed at every scar he could see half healed still bleeding. Feeling the most vulnerable and out of control i could ever feel i couldn't respond. the first place i retreated was inside my head. If you know anything about giving your mind to god it's that he wont let you stay there and he wouldn't let me retreat. He loves me too much to watch me sit alone in a bunker hiding away the gifts he gave me the light he shines in me. so out i come. its been a slow process... I've never gotten this far before. I refuse to believe that i am still hiding. I refuse to make a choice to walk back in that bunker and turn my back on what god has planed for me. I don't know how to let you in. So lets start here. I'm broken and i have a lot of scars on my heart but in time I'll tell you about them. I have been robbed. I've believed lies. I've held on to those lies. No more. I don't know how to let you in... but I'm not going to let Satan have anymore ground. By not letting you in I've believed a lie that i can handle this on my own. I've believed a lie that i don't need other people to help me. The truth is i need you. I need you to help me fight, to help me stand. 

i have a vision on us and right now I'm on the ground sword fallen, armor tattered side bleeding into the dirt. Erin, Gwenna, Jessica and Lexi you stand in front of me swords drawn... Erin you are in the center and you look like you are stern and the fire in your eyes would terrify anything you looked at and you are looking at him backed by some of the strongest girls I've ever met. Elissa you are on the ground with me but you aren't hurt you are holding your hand over mine as i grip my side and you have my head in your lap. 

You girls are my warriers and my God given comforts. you bare your swords of truth and your presence in my life has already helped me grow so much. I don't embrace the hiding anymore. I'm scared out of my mind at whats coming but i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and i know that he is doing such a work in me. I had a boy show up in my living room. he showed me how i was hiding without even knowing what he was doing. From there i had to make a choice stay here and live in this mess or get out and receive what God has for me. I choose to get out. I choose to embrace life i choose to embrace hope i choose to embrace love i choose to embrace friendship i choose to embrace relationships i choose to embrace grace and mercy, and i choose to embrace God's plan for me. It's hard to shine for Christ when no one can see your light. It wont happen over night and I'll be making a choice not to retreat every day. Right now that's so hard but i know it will get easier the more i make that choice. I'm afraid people will leave and walk away but that's OK... you can walk away... I'm not alone... and I'm not hiding anymore.

Love from the group to Joanie (we miss you)

HIII!!! (This is to Joanie!!! From the group)

Hey Joanie!
I can't tell you how excited I am for you and all of the adventures you are experiencing now - and will experience throughout the semester!! What do you think of South Africa? What is surprising you? What are you learning? I want to know all about it! :) What do you think of the study so far? We miss you and your joy and all that you bring to the group! Sorry I haven't been better about posting to the blog...
I love you!
Jessica

Joni!!! I miss you so much here! You have so much good feedback and love woman. I wish you were here with us, but I'm totally glad you get this experience in South Africa! I pray that you have the best experience, learn more about God's love, and just get to let loose and enjoy life! Can't wait to see you again.
Gwenna

Joanie!  I've been thinking about you SO much!  I miss your smile and your precious joyful laughter.  Hopefully, you're having a great time and are experiencing God in unique and amazing ways!  I can't wait to hear the stories you'll bring back!  What has impacted you the most about the study so far?  Joanie, know that you have sisters back here that are praying for you and love you no matter what.  Like I said, you've been on my mind a lot lately.  Love you so much girlie!  Be blessed and sit quietly in the comfort of unconditional love by Emmanuel and your sisters. 
Miss you.
Lexi

My Funk- It's the enemies Junk

Let me tell you girls how my week has been. Sigh... maybe you are in it too. Part of me thinks that the enemy just comes in and tries to steal things in the midst of this study because he knows that God is going to root up and ruin some of his schemes. I am in a funk. Yes, a funk. Ask me to define it and I can't really completely put it into words. All I know is it is the enemies junk to get me away from God and His plan for my life. To challenge me to eat from my own tree that I made and battle good and evil. Uh not good.

It goes a little something like this. I am discovering some of my faults. You know it reminds me of pouring peroxide on an open wound. It feels like a burning sensation in my heart. It is a love/hate relationship as I open up and am honest with myself as to what is going on. Girls, I am realizing more and more about how much I elevate other people, particularly men and then proceed to look to them for my identity. It is a problem. Maybe you relate. How can we really find ourselves in the male "counterpart" of ourselves? We can't. They are imperfect and struggling just as much as we are only in different ways. I take some comfort in the reality that I am not the only fallen creature. But then God proceeds to call me out on the reality that I idolize men or tear them apart. Yes ladies, I am a pendulum. Swinging back and forth between two unhealthy extremes. I am unable to really land in the middle. I try to blame my problem on my past and lack of experience with men that have a more realistic sense of reality, but the blame really falls on me. Yes, I have no experience with healthy relationships, but can I sit here and assume/sulk that they will all be the same? Can I really wall myself off into believing that I can truly worship from afar or loathe the male species because of the battle with sex addictions that so many of them fight? Can I honestly blame them all for the hand full that hurt me? No. I have decided the answer is no. God wants me to come back to reality and accept his hurting sons. He wants me to acknowledge the true enemy and hurt for his boys. Should I go out and trust them all? No. Should I bear my heart at first meet and greet? Absolutely not. But I really need to be open to friendship.

On the flip side, when I find an attractive and relatively safe man I cannot go and put the man before Him. God showed me that He is a jealous jealous God. He is not about to let a man, made of flesh and bones, be my idol. I said it. IDOL. Do you idolize something that God is trying to destroy because He is jealous of the time and attention you give it? God really nailed me on this one this past week. When I am in a funk I think, "if only I had a boy" then it would all be better. WRONG!!! In reality a boy makes it worse. No amount of attention or anything else will satisfy this girl. I am a needy little thing and God is the only one who can meet that need. I learned that the hard hard way. And am still learning.

So this week I was in a funk. A funk that came out with a need for relationship and community. I had the opportunity to share with a friend that hard place I was in and ask for prayer from others. Did I advertise it? No, and you may be upset if you weren't notified. I felt lead to handle it differently this time. God told me, do NOT rally the troops because you and I, sweet beloved Erin, have to work it out alone first before you process it with someone else. Gotta respect that one lovelies. Oh, I recommend listening to what God asks you to do when dealing with an issue. Our support system and prayer team is a MUST. But if God wants to keep you in a place of coming face to face with Him, do it.

Aside from that I am excited to see each of you on Tuesday. It has become my favorite day. You each are so special to me. If you missed last week or are abroad here are the answers the the fill-ins for last weeks study :) Post any thoughts that you have on here. I am waiting for someone to be brave. I am not the only one that can run my mouth, or uhhh keys. You know what I mean. Let this place be a place of self expression. :)

Session One: Listening Guide
Bricks are used to make a name for ourselves.
Bricks are man-made, but stones are God-made.
When you and I choose to label ourselves,  we limit  ourselves.
We were never designed to be brick-makers; we were designed to be living stones.
God desires that our lives be made up of spiritual sacrifice that is acceptable to Him.
God labels us as "living stones" with the words "I AM".
God says that we are His workmanship His valued daughters.

Hope that you girls are getting through the homework!!! Much love to you :)

At the End of Ourselves

My sweet girls-

What I am learning right now is that so often the biggest growth happens at the end of myself. When I have nothing to give, nothing to share and feel that I really cannot go on. I laugh at the last two weeks of study and how I was very much at the end of myself. I did not come with preparations or high expectations as your fearless leader. I came with a desperate need for God to show up. A cry to Him in the depths of my heart "God, please please do what I can't. Please talk to these girls, love these girls because I can't right now." What you have seen these last two weeks is me at the end of myself. Sick, wanting to sleep because my sinus' felt like they were going to implode. Emotionally exhausted because I have a super woman complex and feel like I have to save it all. (God blew that one up by the way).  But I think you can agree that we have had some of the most intimate times with each other because of it. God moved. He came and reminded us of who He is and how He is our everything. Because we are at the end of ourselves we can see Him even more clearly.

Girls this week come to the end of yourself. Come to a place where He can move. Don't perform when You meet with Him in your quiet place. Let it be a time to share your heart as it is. Are you broken? Are you scared? Are you needing Him? Are you in a place of total awareness of the lies that you entertain on a daily basis? Can you see your need for truth? Share with Him everything you feel. Don't hold back. Come to the end of yourself so that He can move. When we white knuckle things and try to control and hold them together He can't work. Let go and let Him pick up the pieces of your heart. Let Him extend the hours of Your day and order Your footsteps so that it all fits in. Rest with Him so that you can be filled from within. Do not let the external dictate the things of your fragile heart.

When we tap into the quiet place within ourselves where He dwells we are able to hear Him and only Him. The wars of the world may wage around us, but when we are connected to the stillness inside that comes from His transcending peace the storm is calmed. Oh girls, may we live in this place. May the comments of others not wounds us. May the circumstances, relationships and selfish desires of our hearts not be what run our lives. Instead, may we insist that we dwell in that quiet place. This place is where we are when we are at the end of ourselves.

When God Moves

Sometimes God moves when we least expect it. I can't speak for the rest of the ladies in the study, but last week left me speechless. Let me catch you up if you missed it or want to relive it. From a leader's perspective (and let me tell you, I cringe at that word because I am just as much in need of this study as anyone else), God showed up in big ways. My day was emotionally draining and I gathered that it was so for many of us. I arrived to the study a) late b) frazzled and c) grumpy. I honestly wanted to just make it through. My prayer over and over that day was, "God do the leading. I have nothing to give to these girls. Why did you give me this responsibility when I come with nothing." I think that was right where He wanted me.  We chatted over dessert and then dove into the video. The video was engaging and I could see the girls processing what the next six weeks were going to be like. I think there is going to be some heavy duty soul work. But isn't that great that we are going to be even closer to working through those fleshly issues to the woman that God created? (I can just hear a collective sigh from the ladies).

I know I felt like uh oh God, here we go. Some girls left early but then oh man, I looked to the leader questions and dove in. Melanie pointed out to me later that I said, "Let's do these questions for kicks and giggles and then we can wrap it up." That was me in leader-autopilot but God had much much bigger plans. The first question was like Pandora's box. We went around and casually answered until God moved. Honesty emerged and the beauty of the comfort and safety of women happened.

Lexi, my dear sweet Lexi, shared her heart. I tear up at the thought of the way she was honest with the group. Through her raw emotion a snowball built up. The concern and interest of others continues. Beth jumped in and got to the bottom of it and as we began to further understand the hurt she was going through, then the miraculous happened. We could all feel the heaviness in the room, the weight of our dear sister's burden but something else was there too. God knocked. Melanie answered and we all felt. Gwenna and I were in tears. Melanie shed a tear as the passion of her God breathed words rang through the emotion of the night. Her words pierced my heart. The real-ness of what she said hit so close to home I found myself on the edge of my seat praying that it would be delivered. That a seed would be planted in each of our hearts as we remember to live for Him, even when that means it hurts more.

The heaviness of the burden was lifted by sweet Jesus. We gathered around Lexi and prayed, cried and laughed. We recounted the miracle that happened. Passion continued and I shared my heart. I wasn't in a good place that night. I had been fighting a war in my heart over an ex-boyfriend who had contacted me.

You know that feeling where you love something and can't have it? Like a cake set in front of you and then your told to watch it but not touch it. That was where I was at. Yes, I love my ex. But I know he is not the right guy for me. He and I together are like a toxic concoction. We fuel each other's sin nature. We are negative and fleshly when put together. It's down right ugly sister. Anyways he contacted me after months of not talking, (his number had been blocked until the blockage expired) and he had apparently been trying to contact me for a while. My heart was torn to bits. I wish I was stronger and could say that I did not talk to him that night. But no, I did. Things were said and it lead to a spiritual battle within me. It was great to let it out to my girls and have encouragement. It was like finally releasing a shook up coke bottle and letting lose my emotions. I do not do what I want to do and hate what I do was how this girl was feeling.

The night ended with extra dessert, chicken noodle soup for Lexi and more prayer for her. There is something spiritual about the war she is waging. It's what happens when a God's girl gets caught up in something that isn't from Him. Of course the enemy wants to see failure, but we are going to stand in Him. In my heart I know that things are happening in the realm of the unseen. Battles are being won. Can I just say "He is victorious. Jesus is King." He will reign forever and ever. I know that these battles we are waging in our hearts are not the end, but can we not stand as the victorious ones that we are ladies???

This is going to be a powerful study. I can't wait to see what was uncovered. If you missed the video/ can't see it cause some of us are in another country (wink, wink- Love you Joanie girl) Here are the fill in the blanks:

Intro Session Listening Guide
We are capable of making it well with our souls based on what we choose to tell ourselves.

We have the potential of saying things to ourselves that we would never say to anyone else.

Your thought closet was designed to host eternal matters.

The words of your mouth include the ones that you speak to your own soul.


The standard for our self-talk is what is acceptable to God.

God is the source and strength for your self-talk.

Every wrong word and every lie that is spoken can be redeemed by God.

Happy Homework!!! Hope God is working in each of your lives!!! Praying for you all!!!

For fun- Next week we are supposed to bring the oldest pair of shoes in our closet ;) We can upload pictures of them on here. I want to see what they look like (I may or may not have a shoe fetish).