Hiding

when I was finally old enough to be part of the middle school group at my church i was so excited for lock ins. we would all get together and not sleep from 8 to 8 and we would have fun, play games and eat food. The church was huge and full of amazing hiding places... for hide and go seek of course. I've always been so small i fit in the smallest little places and i remember my first lock in experience i hid behind a plant in the sanctuary lining the steps of the stage. I was so excited i knew it was perfect and no one would find me here. Funny thing about playing at 5 am is your so tired and sitting so still for so long i fell asleep. I woke up to the now dark sanctuary and stood up... how long had i been asleep? why didn't anyone wake me up? i wondered back into the community room where all my friends were eating pizza and drinking loads of caffeine filled Mountain Dew. When the door opened every one passed to look and see what was going on... the youth leader said, "Oh yeah we never found Melanie." not only had i not been found in my perfect hiding spot, I'd been forgotten. In a lot of ways that little girl never came out of hiding. I learned how to wall myself in and hide away from the world. You stop realizing you're alone and every second you know you're alone. I learned to trust no one and once someone got too close to finding me I would retreat, run away or push away. soon the walls were so high and my expectation was for people to climb them only for the sick joke that i could push them off when they got to the top. God said, "no more." He invaded my space first but seeing i needed some help allowing others in He took it upon himself and sent someone in. He and i both hide behind the same wall. thinking there was no one there, no one who could understand what i was going through, i turned around and found a boy sitting in my living room. He could see me. he could read my life aloud to me like i was an open book. he pointed at every scar he could see half healed still bleeding. Feeling the most vulnerable and out of control i could ever feel i couldn't respond. the first place i retreated was inside my head. If you know anything about giving your mind to god it's that he wont let you stay there and he wouldn't let me retreat. He loves me too much to watch me sit alone in a bunker hiding away the gifts he gave me the light he shines in me. so out i come. its been a slow process... I've never gotten this far before. I refuse to believe that i am still hiding. I refuse to make a choice to walk back in that bunker and turn my back on what god has planed for me. I don't know how to let you in. So lets start here. I'm broken and i have a lot of scars on my heart but in time I'll tell you about them. I have been robbed. I've believed lies. I've held on to those lies. No more. I don't know how to let you in... but I'm not going to let Satan have anymore ground. By not letting you in I've believed a lie that i can handle this on my own. I've believed a lie that i don't need other people to help me. The truth is i need you. I need you to help me fight, to help me stand. 

i have a vision on us and right now I'm on the ground sword fallen, armor tattered side bleeding into the dirt. Erin, Gwenna, Jessica and Lexi you stand in front of me swords drawn... Erin you are in the center and you look like you are stern and the fire in your eyes would terrify anything you looked at and you are looking at him backed by some of the strongest girls I've ever met. Elissa you are on the ground with me but you aren't hurt you are holding your hand over mine as i grip my side and you have my head in your lap. 

You girls are my warriers and my God given comforts. you bare your swords of truth and your presence in my life has already helped me grow so much. I don't embrace the hiding anymore. I'm scared out of my mind at whats coming but i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and i know that he is doing such a work in me. I had a boy show up in my living room. he showed me how i was hiding without even knowing what he was doing. From there i had to make a choice stay here and live in this mess or get out and receive what God has for me. I choose to get out. I choose to embrace life i choose to embrace hope i choose to embrace love i choose to embrace friendship i choose to embrace relationships i choose to embrace grace and mercy, and i choose to embrace God's plan for me. It's hard to shine for Christ when no one can see your light. It wont happen over night and I'll be making a choice not to retreat every day. Right now that's so hard but i know it will get easier the more i make that choice. I'm afraid people will leave and walk away but that's OK... you can walk away... I'm not alone... and I'm not hiding anymore.